Zig-nifi-cation

It don't matter if dis is never read Bogey.....Black will do!

My time on dis planet in dis form/lifestyle,being trapped in the West is gonna end soon. I shall for the purpose of making sense copy paste numerous posts bout ma problem with 'everyting in dis society especially local government & relationships'. Bogey says 'don't keep yor fingers crossed'...das good Bogey constructive sarcasm!

Anyway my timetable for my life is not on track, by now my flat shoulda been sold my furniture/possession's up north [Scotland] Then onward out East for the end of the Rainy Season. But das not the case.

Who is us is whoo
Commitment born from obligation won't work. My idea of happiness deals with the moment 'here now in the present moment' not going beyond the immediate future, since the foundation is not there to take the relationship further. I need guidance & for someone as nihilistic as myself dat guidance can only come from an enlightened person in an enlightened place being a temple in Thailand..Yep Bogey suan Mohk.
Who would have guessed...I shoulda known...A relationship born in the public domain stays in the public domain. To have private interference from such people who do not truly know me, due to their misguided notions of right/wrong really screwed our chance of finding a balance. If left alone I know a lot of good could have come about from our relationship. I have never said anyting other than I must go to Thailand but does dat mean we aint allowed to spend time together with no good coming from it?
Well the damaging influence has meant I have tried to re balance our relationship. But it has not worked out that way, I do care for my hunny bun to the extent of getting engaged which was a massive mistake since it was to early. Only after we had both made massive changes in our lifestyle, giving the relationship discipline so to speak. We were coping with keeping it here & now, but NO it's not normal so keep away from him...N0t gonna stoop to slander besides the chance has gone it's to late past the time I shoulda been outta here [England] Seeking some meaning to my life, since I have no children no job no income it has meant my life has stagnated & I'm not happy. In fact I'm really quite a sad soul on seeing so much suffering around me in my travels & at home. Much of this suffering was excepted as karma but the West has a different view.

Hunny bun gave me her love & it felt good to share ones life with someone else cos one has shared the word commitment crops up I've tried to cope with our different moods but suffering short term memory loss & not having the freedom to concentrate on one ting at a time has meant escapism creeps in.
Well deluded we are an deluded we stay until one can let go of delusion none of us will be truly happy.

I know wot could be created if the discipline was there to apply myself constructively in making my ideas work...Now is the time to step up to the plate an be counted I'm now forty nine. In dat time a lot of wisdom & knowledge has been accumulated but to no effect. Which is very frustrating. A massive part of me would love to live in Edinburgh but not on benefit I know on selling ma flat there would be enuff funds to buy a home there, but dats de problem I don't want possessions, material wealth does not interest me so wot would one do with the money gained from my ideas? Give it to charity & take enuff for a good life for myself & any family. But dat ain't gonna happen right now, maybe never. People pleasing is a lethal thing to do, I actually thought I could make a difference to someones life improving their standard of living along with their familys. It does feel good to be wanted accepted, looked up to have someone look at you with love in their eyes a love I can never live up to without each of us willing to change our poison into wine..

Forgetting dat in the public domain I'm breaking the rules 'how could you stay with someone only to leave at a later date?'
The nihilist does not follow 'norms' at the same time I'm not a bad person due to not accepting societies steadfast relationship etiquette. If left alone we would of benefited from our relationship but now it's jus full of zealous behaviour & I'm gonna be de baddie...Fair enuff I accept it did not work out. One forgets other people can put a spanner in the works apart from our own nihilistic tendencies. It saddens me dat when I leave de country Hunny bun will most probably say she don't want my stuff.

Why are we so often selfish in how we interpret love? I remember hearing a poem when I wuz fifteen saying 'if to love you is to leave you then so it shall be' those words have haunted me [for a person with low self esteem] The ability to let go can also have a reverse effect...Bogey asking me why I could not let go of my ruck with Wandsworth Council...Dunno Bogey maybe summin to do with the fact I know to much about the Councils evil thirty year plan!

Anyway dis saga has to end soon. Deep down I'm nuffin but an adventurer & yearn for the days of old when I would live with other cultures feeling right at home.
My grandfather was Thai grandmother English & when I visited Thailand I knew dis had been my home in a previous life, another thing is I also know summin incredibly sad had also happened in dat previous life. Maybe das why I will stand up for causes I believe in. But all to often letting dem down when it comes to crunch time unfortunately anyway enuff for now namaste

The Dude