Con tempt elate

Contemplation....Good Bad or Jus is I dunno. It seems when one looks back or takes a view from outside u see stuf different. Or recognize old behaviour wot triggers it etc. In trying to overcome my inability to finnish anyting I'm still blind... Personel suff/distraction lack of understanding or feeling dat way. As in who understands me when I don't understand myself....Dangerous ground, especially if one feels tyed down to protocols they are not capable of fulfilling.

A year has near enuff passed, my flat shoulda been vacated an right now I'm not here. But I am it's taken dis long to get my shit tgether an it's still not over. Dis is seriously giving me contemplation. Now I have the information needed but it still takes an enormous amount of effort to invoke?

The sun is shining I need my sunshine. Took a few minutes in one of those Tan Machines felt good.

Fear less but more

Jus been watching Fearless on TV an it reminded me of one of the times I came face to face with death. The first due to a head injury & I was in a coma for ten days [not 14 as said in an earlier post] Well I wuz out gone sumwher in my coma. The Dr the family used to interpret the tests said 'don't move him cos he will die'. So I layed in the hospital bed which was run by Nuns, having prayers said over me daily along with being spoon fed Porridge bless em.

Anyway we fight against odds defying an injury dat should have killed one? Don't ask me I wuz out for the count. But I tink our spirit/will to live & the fact I wuz 18 is wot helped pull me through.

Atkinson Morley a specialist head injury hospital wanted me to go back in after leaving my local hospital for a couple of weeks. I realise now why I should of gone back in since dey might have sussed out more about the head injury. After a period of healing had taken place. Why do we defy odds an survive? Cos by the book many people should not be here. Maybe we have summin to do before we die...Who knows?

For go ten STM

words/tauts spin around in yor brain mundane, go to the train step lightly don't let ones thought go to deep.
Cos right now das not wot u wanna reap

Bogey I have respect for the man. He uses words so well, he's balanced u can tell! I'm drifting.

We trawl thru lifs happennings treading blindly. Pretty well every other day summin bad would come my way.

Just a text nuffin! But full of anger saying 'no more', dis is so usual I hear it not and so best discard cos tis now, not tomoz. Yes tomorrow will be ok. But these texts dey do contrive.
Effect yor mind assail yor thoughts thru just a crack they settle.

Lifes thoughts can be mind dominoes.....An topple wot dey will. It certainly does not enable life to 'ave any frill..mean thrill. Things move so fast due to crucial decisions made with bad timing due to moodal consquences for the crack has leaked an in it gets wth the influence it wreaks .
Consequences I should play no role in. Upsetan hurt I've played in. Am I puppet? Possible lets try an be aware certain strings we not dare. cos of the havoc datlay there.

All I can say is I'm sorry but the hurt can stick. We all know dis, so thus come one enrage dis gauge no rage? Let the past fly in the wind not settle on our minds cos den we're in truble an downed with lifes rubble.

Stand up I say got important stuff to achieve dis is how we stand. My labor given free, not prattling on at thee [public] not personal.
Lol
Gotta go spk soon The Dude

Ominater bet a later 'ate a rater

When I switch from one side of being the other side suffers. missed an SGI mens meeting cos I thought Chelsea were playing...Dey Were...But I can't get Sky 1 so missed meeting for nuffin. Chanted on my own An so I would not have been here to communicate. How much train wrecks do we need to make. Where did all the good people go? Led me astray so now we all pay.
Sitting down feeling the debris. You wake me up with no cohesion, trouble with dis an dat. Bad news, always no resolution.

Lose touch got to much to lose. They are all good people but don't involve in others ways. You interrupt a friendly conversation. Where did all the good people go...We got heeps an heeps the peeps the peeps I'll entertain a friendly nation. But not with dis or dat.

I know wot a friendly liason can do where it might lead. Always the other side of the road yet we gotta know we gotta believe the other side is the same as dis side. In the end....Hunny side I talk I stay till I can do no more. But deep down she know I believe I care I seen we shared wot only WE can share. To interrupt when tiss plane for all to see 'we're in the bath' an don't call back.

It's not nice but we are responsible for wot we say an wot we do or not do as the case may be.
Many a time dis happen to me. Wot I do I leave em alone. Wait util the moment changes cos now dere ain't no communication. For one tis 'ard stay on top when not in control...Being undermined....I do enuff undermining myself.....Missed a Men's Chapter meeting an paid big time. Sorry regrettable mistaken possibly [pushed an pushed not left alone] But the world is out there we must grasp wotever we can. How do we escape such folly....Go with the positive ones. Stay in touch with reality my battle is here now, 'no complacency' gonna take part in society with my zip closed Bogeys laughing.. Tis tru I don't have the balls right now to do dat anyway Dis gone far enuff stops right now back to neighborhood meetings. Tis only way stay focused reset the Respecter Ominator It's in da red......Phew......Gotta lotta Ominator people out there.
Meet a person dey do not talk but use an Ominator an body languge....Tink of the fun.
The Dude

My S pace

Wot do I say? Such haste in indictment is not good. To extract wot is best left alone & retort brings one shame. Never have I come across such delusion myself included, some people are to quick with involving demselves in other persons affairs [my affairs] To decide wot is right wot is wrong.
These persons deny their own folly & I do not want to be included, already boundaries have been crossed. I know wot is tru concerning myself an wot I have not done?....Enuff sorry people you'll have to take wot I say in a broad context.

Tonight I dwell on the loss of my/our son Spencer. He died a healthy six month baby inside his mothers womb, due to the fact my woman wuz married to dis guy she met at University. She did not love him dey got married so she would not have pay University fees. Dis is in America so dey get married an since she was doing a PHD dat meant dey were together a long time.
An she stayed with him [he loved her] after she got her PHD. So her family say when u having kids? Putting pressure on her since she was 32/33 so she has a daughter, the delivery wuz a mess. The Dr say's it would take a miracle for her to get pregnant again due to the scarring in he Uterus {I think]

Three years after she as born an eighteen years after we broke up [in th UK] Her father was chief engineer for the Glaxo Kline centre up round Northolt way. So she came to e UK to spend a month with her parents & left a message at my dads office Oh wos de pointcannay even write dis without it screwing up. Anyway I'm sorry I did all I could from here. Knowing themiddle of the Rocky Mountains wuz a bad place to move why am I tinking of u! Cos everyone seems to be getting preggy round here, an responsibility has gone out the window hmm 'goodbye my son'
The Dude

Lear way

So cleared the way for my report [audit] I really gotta copy post the two pages I do have which kinda sums tings up. Left a copy at the bank to show em why I need the money. They looked at it reading the first two paragraphs. why don't u make a photo copy I said. She handed the copy to a workmate, to do exactly dat cool. Went in today about needing a new Pin an the lady wuz real nice, it feels good to have people behind you on issues dat are important to me.Feels weird to tink real soon summin is gonna come to a conclusion. The flat selling for a good price exacting revenge on the Council for making my life a misery since starting tx in June 05. Yeah Nam-myoho-renge-kyo das some chant...Sutra rather.

After saying all dat I'm real bored. Had a laugh after reading 'my balls don't work' should copy paste the reply. It all comes down to howling dunnit Bogey? It takes a lot out of you making love like I do especially at 49 years old. I can make it special if one practices Tao Sex Bogey?'....not a clue..huh ok. Anyway it's when you concentrate on giving the woman pleasure not yorself. Which means I don't get a howl! But it's nice to give a woman dat much pleasure.

I bet dat last paragraph gonna give me some flak. But due to low self esteem an scared of commitments my bed has not been shared by many woman at all in the last 10/12 years not since Victoria in fact. So Hunny Bun is special she achieved what so many others could not [remember home alone]

Anyway dat needs to wait I gotta get to Thailand before Christmas. On more ting I have to do above all else. The Ego fights to stay here in the carnal world full of desire. Das fine if I can cope but right now I'm no good to anyone.

The news wot a laugh 'cash for honours' the copper say's 'I wuz told Blair would resign if he was interviewed'?? In dat case why did he not interview him str8 away eh! Lol but it does not make us tink it was a proper outcome jus a white wash. Like all the other stuff Bogey...Yeah wish it wuz a film too you'd sort em out eh my friend.

So the beat goes on gotta find summin jus remembered...Oh I hate searching for wot I cannot find arh...doing it all the time, so many piles of stuff to go through & end up distracted so I forget wot I'm looking for. Yeah later Bogey dunno why she interfered in our life but Hunny Buns been real good she don't want bad words said & I agree. The damage is enuff to cope with especially now the festivals over.

Namaste The Dude

Tings ca only get betterr

I go down to the water to dwell an think beautiful people. So much wrong from right. Found tru love to, want those to shine in the light. Van Morrison says it all really 'knocking with his heart'

Talking of Church Bells I'm down as reserve help on the Saturday Cromwell Talks. Since it was at this church...cannay remember the name Bogey...All Saints possible. Where Cromwell made the constitution before marching on Parliament. So I'm a reserve helper for the bar or summin. Dey must know me cos I've got no time either...'wicked' & it means I get to move about with purpose...Yeah 'Porpoise Bogey'...Wot u reckon Hunny wear ma couture black trousers with Black slip ons. With the orange hooded top with CRIMINAL sewn in white across the chest. Cos das gotta big central pocket for stuff like gum etc. Wot u reckon? Means I can go out have a smoke. See if I'm the one with the least grey hair outta the volunteers lol.

The Putney Society have an invite to see Cromwell at the odeon starring Richard Harris.Alec Guiness & Robert Morley so William can use dat ticket, should be a good film..Maybe I should do some homework. Cromwell Road is maybe down to the Parliament walk/ride. Am writing a bit spazzy cos the keyboard is suddenly rubbish....Whence no mistakes. I wonder if I should try an group the posts according to summin?...Bogeys looking....possible possible have to check it out. He says. Most probably end up sticking a bullet in everyting lol...Wot post? Dat post! Eh when did I say dat?

Got a new pair of glasses today. Only took me three days to pick em up cos I thought they were gonna look naff, being NHS ones [paid nought] But Boots did ok dey look fine, quite happy with em. Everyting looks real sharp especially since I've only worn my Snooker glasses to watch TV for the last year. Dis pair are half a size stronger an Wo dunno whether I want to see dat clear blimey. When u take em off it takes a while to refocus an see like I have for the past couple of years. Yeah I can remember saying 'these are to strong' and 'can't ever remember seeing dat clear'. About a year ago, so I never bothered getting a pair. Thought I'll trust the misty bit...aura way of seeing tings lol Frustrating with the buses tho. you got good eyes Hunny.

Ok nein I mean nine o-clock an I forgot to check summin out for a mate NUTS ...Don't start Bogey....Anyway u never reminded me. Ok will have to check out putting de Thai stuff in a folder cos it would go well on film ciao an hugs
The Dude

ps did I mention made it to the Solicitors dey got a river of blood...Stoopid cos if dey had a brain dey coulda charged £34,000 instead of my £3400 Wandsworth woulda had to pay. Das write Bogey 'de men in Trenchcoats with dyed black hair' Oh 'I'm a Freemason an I don't care. With my long black coat and my died black hair' Yep u name em I'll shame em...Who's dat!

Wandsworth reef un d thousands

Ok of to bed now tomoz Solicitors £5,800 don't reckon I can pay it in one go, so have to make maybe two/three visits.
Then acupuncture, check summin out at the DJ store for a mate.
PM is tomoz cos I'm knackered....Nah joking aside I've gotta do some leafletting for a prospective MP. Got an angle to fight one of the lowest Council taxes in the country Civic Pride yep das wot it costs low council tax Civic Pide. Dirty streets, closed librarys & special needs places closed along with all the hospitals. The whole borough has only one...One hospital if dey close Bolingbrook. Which dey will. An dat is a small hospital specialised or summin I think.
Gimme dat report THE COUNCIL CANNOT GIVE A FORMULA DAT MATCHES THE PERCENTAGE ON THEIR LEASES....WHICH MEANS WOT SHOULD COME OUT AS 3.33% ON THE LEASE ACCORDING TO THEIR FORMULA COMES OUT AS 3.44% & EVEN WORSE 3.46%. THIS PERCENTAGE MEANS FOR EVERY £1000 CHARGED THE LESSEE PAYS AN EXTRA £50/60. THESE LEASES STARTED AROUND THE YEAR 2000.
The implications? Work it out for yorself.....A lotta money been taken folks. Now it's my turn to keep dem awake at night, innit Bogey? Yeah I hope so......The Dude Rackin the rude

Dust can fly not settle on yor wing

It's not a matter of when push comes to shove. One must fly with the wings of a Dove [peace...thnx Bogey] These invitations got to see it to know...Problems are like dust in the wind cos inside it's loving kindness & it's ever present everywhere....Das warm love

Seen some hard times it's gonna be 'ard nose the highway eh Bogey!..We draw some fine lines...Tis a tip toe two step down the alley of choice. Who is any good to anyone incomplete, if u gotta go further up the road...Do it. Only then can one return having mastered demselves...Because das where ones gotta be.

This saga coming to an end means....Relief, 'a new beginning'. I'm not closing all doors to who I know/relationships. But one needs space to consolidate oneself.

Suan Mohk is an experience dat I must take further. In saying dat I intend to have some fun here writing before I go 'tis my place' who's Frank Bogey? No I mean the blog! Thailand is a place where one needs to look after oneself on a lotta tings. So I would like to write about my experiences there. The way tings work their philosophy, outlook & attitude to the Farang [foreigner]

So many stories to tell quench yor thirst people...Cranberry will do thnx Bogey. First ting to know the beer out there is shite...Orrible full of chemicals, Carlsburg was the best of the ordinary beer on offer. But if yor young healthy I guess u don't realise how bad it is. For me an occasional JD [Jack Daniels] on Ice. If u drink at the same bar dey will want u to start a tab, if u agree the benefits are larger drinks if u order summin like JD but u will pay for a couple [drinks] dat u did not order! So the choice is yors.
Another way is to pay but leave a tip dat gets u a bit extra plus service with a smile.

Anyway I did not drink my tipple wuz Lemon Soda no ice...Toilet water...exactly Bogey but a J helped it taste non urinal lol. Gotta be discreet tho I remember one time parking up by the side of the road. Before the buildings started on the run up to the road leading to Chaweng Beach.
Anyway wuz sitting in the bike engine idle having a quiet puff, an dis half back four wheeler sudenly pull in an stops 'right in front of me?' In the back wuz four five drunk mean looking geezers [men] looking at me! I'd heard about vigilante groups stopping the Farang an intimidating dem outta money. If dey caught u doing summin like I wuz....Anyway I ain't paying em 'nuffin' friggin cheek. So I finnish the J off, crush it in my fingers an thow it in the grass..geddit lol.
Anyway I start the bike up an go round em...look in my side view mirror see em behind. So I turn left instead of right zoom off see an empty Garage forecourt across the road in the shade, quickly cut across an hide myself in the shadows. See the four wheeler go past an den jusmade my way back to Chaweng. I wuz furious 'dare interupt me'...Gotta go upstairs neighbor has invited me for dinner nice talk ltr namaste The Dude

How-ling-woof

I should check on previous entries [blog] Apologies for da wickedness concerning rings. On having time to tink on it I remember going to sleep with words like closed & door plus forever- possibly even? I Dunno but it meant me as a person fighting to get summin finnished. It did not help & I've woken up the next day which wuz a complete screw up with me being stubborn. So then the evenning goes same way. Nuffin I do can componsate enuff to let me get on with tings like the Council ruck....let alone the sale of the flat. Numerous other stuff EFT Chanting. I've got a meeting tonight it's the whole district, so it's one I'll enjoy Jimmy is doing the talk an he's a musician I've known since joining the SGI. The last time we met was at the Brunel University Weekend. Which I thorouhly enjoyed, he wrote a line down dat I'd said about relationships, then said "thats a wicked line for a song" so maybe I will get my way with words and write songs since I do luv singing an dancing. Home alone used to be my saying when I went out clubbing! Mad utterly mad....Meant I had a great time tho...No agenda ladies lets dance...Yeah Bogey to expensive as well. Gutless das me I'd pay for sex cos then u knew where u stood. Hunny Bun was different she is a special person.
Nothing beats a womans Ire nuffin, anger is meant to be dis or dat? Fair enuff. But no man can say they do not feel good having someone close to you. Snugging up after making love, the warmth. It has meant change back down here [Landan] but one has to forget those luxuries for the moment cos dey ain't gonna mean a lot if dis stuff with the home an council is not sorted.
The Council people responsible know about my invalidity, so reckon he can't get the help. So lets do wot we like!....An day have culminating in the fact 'they cannot hide their own figures'. Even when they try by creating their own invoices. The council would not recognise/contact my auditors for two weeks. In dat time dey were making up their own invoices working on fictional lease %'s. The bill must have come to well over a hundred an fifty thousand pounds. Defending the undefendable basically from a bookmakers view anyway. These Freemasons....Talk about delusion.
I want to party with the keyboard not apologise or harp on about dis or dat. My role is to put a smile on yer face namaste The Dude

Weeck ard i is

Now dis is a lesson on wrong behaviour. Born from wot, frustration anger doubt hurt.....Dam foolishness... das wot. After dis debacle started by yors truly [myself] we have been communicating & one ting I have to say is "I was seriously mistaken [wrong in dere language Bogey...put dat rope away ...don't u know hanging ma brain!...is enuff'] in saying wot I said".

It wuz born of frustration an serious pressure. There are two sides to every coin. Including myself..On the one side there are all the norms an comforts from a relationship & family love. But the massive responsibility in my view & one where I would want to be in a headspace where I could provide security. It is frightening out dere in da world...Money Money Money.

The other side is wot I have been saying for years Suan Mohk.
How do u unite the two when I need the freedom to find out?

I have been wrong in tinking I could provide some stability when I don't have the energy to cope with a LAW CASE as well as the demands of a relationship when the need to focus on ONE TING is taken away. Cos I got DISTRACTION MEMORY where I forget wot the fuck I was doing. An example today. It's pm I'm writing to the auditors, have a visit from poss' buyers & appointment at the bank for 2.30pm its 1pm. So I finnish the email let the people look at the flat an set of to my mums to seed her grass!!! On walking down I remember the bank appointment it's 2.40pm. I tink the 'appointment' .. shit forgot to take the paper with the time on with me as I left the flat. The last ting on my mind wuz gotta put lawn seed down an walk to my mums tinking it's 3.30pm-4.30pm at de bank so I still got time. Asked Min if I she knew the time as I'd told her, but nah she not sure.
Anyway I turn up at the bank at 3.30pm an hour late. The person knows me & my Liver cleansing along with memory probs plus fighting the Council...Das right Bogey dey is right behind me I'm a character not a bad person [humour me people] Anyway it all works out an I chill with some nice Persian tea.

Wot am I rambling about? Distraction memory mainly, along with the inability to finnish anyting 'bring it to a conclusion'...Why can I not finish anyting? It's in my medical notes das fact. The only way is Suan Mohk for me. Dis is where the answer could be. Yet yor ego fights puts up barriers. To stop one [myself] going deluded [good word hunny]
Den a relationship starts dat we both tried to end. To no avail cos we do love each other? I admit my mistake but it's all about 'how we perceive tings..interpret dem..wot stance we take morally'
etc.

I genuinely believe good can come from my wicked mistake born through callous disregard for whom it wuz meant. I apologise, but we learn so much like conversations I've never had!!!
Utterly fictitious conversations I'm afraid the it wuz LUCID enuff painting pictures having influence, believing. I put it aside cos I know the ground ain't there for me. Tis all cause an effect we live with & most of us cannot hold our hand up an say not guilty. Due to dis PUBLIC RELATIONSHIP persons take on the role of er scriptwriters or decision makers.
Can't really place blame when in many ways dey are right. But love best leave alone cos dat is between dem innit Bogey. A lot of people have shown genuine care in there concern for Min I thank them.

Namaste The Dude

Zig-nifi-cation

It don't matter if dis is never read Bogey.....Black will do!

My time on dis planet in dis form/lifestyle,being trapped in the West is gonna end soon. I shall for the purpose of making sense copy paste numerous posts bout ma problem with 'everyting in dis society especially local government & relationships'. Bogey says 'don't keep yor fingers crossed'...das good Bogey constructive sarcasm!

Anyway my timetable for my life is not on track, by now my flat shoulda been sold my furniture/possession's up north [Scotland] Then onward out East for the end of the Rainy Season. But das not the case.

Who is us is whoo
Commitment born from obligation won't work. My idea of happiness deals with the moment 'here now in the present moment' not going beyond the immediate future, since the foundation is not there to take the relationship further. I need guidance & for someone as nihilistic as myself dat guidance can only come from an enlightened person in an enlightened place being a temple in Thailand..Yep Bogey suan Mohk.
Who would have guessed...I shoulda known...A relationship born in the public domain stays in the public domain. To have private interference from such people who do not truly know me, due to their misguided notions of right/wrong really screwed our chance of finding a balance. If left alone I know a lot of good could have come about from our relationship. I have never said anyting other than I must go to Thailand but does dat mean we aint allowed to spend time together with no good coming from it?
Well the damaging influence has meant I have tried to re balance our relationship. But it has not worked out that way, I do care for my hunny bun to the extent of getting engaged which was a massive mistake since it was to early. Only after we had both made massive changes in our lifestyle, giving the relationship discipline so to speak. We were coping with keeping it here & now, but NO it's not normal so keep away from him...N0t gonna stoop to slander besides the chance has gone it's to late past the time I shoulda been outta here [England] Seeking some meaning to my life, since I have no children no job no income it has meant my life has stagnated & I'm not happy. In fact I'm really quite a sad soul on seeing so much suffering around me in my travels & at home. Much of this suffering was excepted as karma but the West has a different view.

Hunny bun gave me her love & it felt good to share ones life with someone else cos one has shared the word commitment crops up I've tried to cope with our different moods but suffering short term memory loss & not having the freedom to concentrate on one ting at a time has meant escapism creeps in.
Well deluded we are an deluded we stay until one can let go of delusion none of us will be truly happy.

I know wot could be created if the discipline was there to apply myself constructively in making my ideas work...Now is the time to step up to the plate an be counted I'm now forty nine. In dat time a lot of wisdom & knowledge has been accumulated but to no effect. Which is very frustrating. A massive part of me would love to live in Edinburgh but not on benefit I know on selling ma flat there would be enuff funds to buy a home there, but dats de problem I don't want possessions, material wealth does not interest me so wot would one do with the money gained from my ideas? Give it to charity & take enuff for a good life for myself & any family. But dat ain't gonna happen right now, maybe never. People pleasing is a lethal thing to do, I actually thought I could make a difference to someones life improving their standard of living along with their familys. It does feel good to be wanted accepted, looked up to have someone look at you with love in their eyes a love I can never live up to without each of us willing to change our poison into wine..

Forgetting dat in the public domain I'm breaking the rules 'how could you stay with someone only to leave at a later date?'
The nihilist does not follow 'norms' at the same time I'm not a bad person due to not accepting societies steadfast relationship etiquette. If left alone we would of benefited from our relationship but now it's jus full of zealous behaviour & I'm gonna be de baddie...Fair enuff I accept it did not work out. One forgets other people can put a spanner in the works apart from our own nihilistic tendencies. It saddens me dat when I leave de country Hunny bun will most probably say she don't want my stuff.

Why are we so often selfish in how we interpret love? I remember hearing a poem when I wuz fifteen saying 'if to love you is to leave you then so it shall be' those words have haunted me [for a person with low self esteem] The ability to let go can also have a reverse effect...Bogey asking me why I could not let go of my ruck with Wandsworth Council...Dunno Bogey maybe summin to do with the fact I know to much about the Councils evil thirty year plan!

Anyway dis saga has to end soon. Deep down I'm nuffin but an adventurer & yearn for the days of old when I would live with other cultures feeling right at home.
My grandfather was Thai grandmother English & when I visited Thailand I knew dis had been my home in a previous life, another thing is I also know summin incredibly sad had also happened in dat previous life. Maybe das why I will stand up for causes I believe in. But all to often letting dem down when it comes to crunch time unfortunately anyway enuff for now namaste

The Dude